November 2013 Blog 2 - Why you ask? The words we use are powerful.
by Susan Myhre Hayes on 11/24/13
November 2013 Blog 2 - Why
you ask? The words we use are powerful.
The
words we use are important to the way they are perceived, and the word why can be a deadly.
When I
was teaching parenting classes, we did an exercise to help parents see how
deadly a word why can be. At
the beginning of the class, I asked several questions of specific individuals
in the class. Why didn't you give me the materials I asked you to bring
last week? Why do you always sit at the back of the room? Why do
you daydream during class? Why is it only your wife who talks during this
class?
While
the answers varied somewhat from class to class, they all were said with
embarrassment and had the same spirit, "Well, I'm not sure." If
I'd ask them why again, they usually
were silent in their embarrassment.
Why can
be a deadly word when used with others because it asks people to explain
themselves and their behavior. It puts people on the defensive. Try to
imagine a positive answer when a teacher asks a student, why he did badly on a
quiz. No matter what the words, the answer will indicate that the student
thinks he is too dumb to do well on the quiz. By asking why we are requiring an answer to a
question before they can change the behavior.
We
tell ourselves that we ask the question why
to try to understand the choices others make. This is, however, futile. When
people make choices we would never make, we think that if we could figure out
why they made them we would somehow understand, and that this understanding
would make them do things in a way more to our liking. They would see the
light or better said, they would see OUR light.
One of
the changes I made when I transformed to my intended self was giving up
expectations of others. The word why
is loaded with expectation. Why didn't you do better on a quiz, means I
expect you to do well on a quiz after I taught you the material. Why do
you daydream during class, means I expect you to find my class interesting.
If you want better answers, try asking clearer questions by using other
question words: What can I do to help you do better on the next quiz?
How can I make the class more engaging for you?
Why is
on the other hand, the perfect word for you to use with yourself as you begin
your self-transformation. Why
tells you were the goal line is. Why
focuses you on purpose. It calls for reflection.
Why
did I quit drinking? I couldn't write in the evenings when I had too much
wine, and I wanted to finish the book. Why did I get my finances in
order? I needed to understand if I had enough resources to put towards
publicizing my book. Why did I stop having expectations of others?
My attempted micromanaging of others took up the time and energy I needed
to focus on the writing of my book. When I became discouraged I focused
on the why of what I was doing.
As you
begin your journey to become your intended self, use the word why sparingly with others and use it
with yourself to find the purpose behind your self-transformation.
Why
you ask? The answer to that powerful question is up to you.